It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
