In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
