I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
