I'd wear matching sweaters with you
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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