the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
