How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
