conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
