i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
