Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
