you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
