No stitches, just platelets and will power
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize