I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
