You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
