Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
