I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
