Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
