Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize