I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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