My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
