I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
