rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
