I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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