I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
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