Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
