I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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