My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
