Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Randomize
