I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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