dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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