Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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