On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Randomize
