Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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