you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
