HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
