theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize