Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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