Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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