shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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