low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
