I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
