true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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