thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
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