What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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