Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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