I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
