All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
