stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
My breasts were aching with rage.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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