I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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