please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
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