I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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