cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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