do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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