You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
