I'm so fucking centered right now
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
