Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
