I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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