What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize