So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
