so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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