I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize