I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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