now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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