We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
