these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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