Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
