I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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