Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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