Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
