we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
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