don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
