the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize